Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Me, In Flux

Change is inevitable.

People say that a lot. What they don't say is that sometimes (a lot of the time), change is scary. In fact, change can be outright terrifying.

I am 30 years old. I live with my parents (rent is very cheap). I have never lived on my own. Ever.

My life (and the prospect of what my life will look like in the future) has altered drastically in the past year.

Last Thanksgiving, my parents told me that it was extremely likely that our home, along with the other houses in our tiny subdivision, would be sold to developers in less than a year. My parents would be downsizing. I would have to move out on my own, alone, by myself. The prospect of such a drastic change being forced upon me pushed me over an edge I didn't know I had been walking for quite some time.

As months went by, I grew more and more emotionally unstable. I was always tired. My motivation was so far gone it seemed as if I had imagined ever having it in the first place. I spent hours at work feeling as if I might burst into tears at any moment.

It wasn't until I happened to describe my state of mind to my parents that I realized what was going on inside my head.

"Avital, it sounds like you're depressed."

It made so much sense.
I was depressed.

I had dismissed the notion in my head without much consideration.
"I've led such a privileged life."
"I have it so much better than so many people."
"I'm just weak and lazy."
"I can't be depressed."

The moment I acknowledged that I was depressed, it was as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Maybe it wasn't just me. Maybe I wasn't just lazy. Maybe, just maybe, it would be okay to ask for help.

And now, here I am, a half a year later.
I'm taking an antidepressant.
I'm going to therapy.
And my outlook on life is more positive than it has been for months.

I'm actually looking forward to getting my own place, to having a space that is all mine, that I can personalise. I'm no longer scared. I'm just nervous, but excited.

My journey has been difficult, especially over the last year. But it's nowhere close to being over. I have come to terms with my depression, and I am dealing with it in my own way, with the help that I didn't know I needed.

My advice to you? To anyone? Don't be afraid. Don't be afraid to reach out. Don't be afraid to ask for help.

Reach out.
People care.
It can get better.

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